Tag Archives: fear

Today I am grateful for life

Right now I am curled up on the sofa, hearing the crickets chirp the lull of the crisp New England night. The sky is a darkening blue-gray and cars are driving past the window.

 

Today, I am grateful for my classes, for decent food (I did’t have to cook), but most importantly, to be alive. It’s my first full week of classes in my third year at university. My favorite season, Autumn is approaching, and the smell of apples and pumpkins will soon permeate the air. Just kidding. Only on the farms around here, that is. Instead, they will permeate students’ clothing palettes and pumpkin spice lattes will be available at Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts.

As I greet the friends I haven’t seen all summer or all year, if they are coming back from studying abroad, I feel a sense of weight and guilt overtake me. Yes, this summer was amazing and had shaped me in many ways. Yes, I did miss my friends and do sincerely care about their accomplishments and where they will be headed after graduation.

What I really want to share is how anxious and depressed I have been feeling, how ashamed and fearful of not telling my friends, people I love and trust, that I am a survivor; that home is not a safe space for me emotionally. 

Part of me is so full of fear, which keeps me silent. I fear losing people I love. I fear people asking questions and having my family hear about it. I fear people not believing me. I fear them spreading details about my personal life to humiliate me.  Another part of me just wants someone to be there and support me unconditionally – something I have needed and was denied as a child and continue to be denied.

 

Today, however, I am grateful that I am away from home, feeling safe. For now, it is enough.

For now, I am working on building trust, and I will seek a counselor I feel that I can talk about my experiences with, without feeling ashamed and humiliated – emotions I have experienced all too often, growing up.

Healing is a long and arduous process, but one day I know I will be closer to the life that is free of shame, self-deprecation, anger, melancholy and fear – the life I deserve to live. 


Letting Chances Slip

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多少悬在半空中 Duoshaoxuanzaibankongzhong Suspense in midair (my translation of the title)  by Li Guijun

Do you ever feel trapped?

Are you afraid of what could happen, what happens next?

Like there’s a perfect moment where something can happen but you’re too afraid of what could go wrong?

There are honestly so many possibilities…Where do we go from here? 

If I have learned anything at all from relationships with friends, family and romantic relationships, it’s that fear gets in the way of things that might have otherwise been truly magnificent. Or truly ugly.

Fear is good, sometimes. It teaches us to be cautious, and we should be cautious when we only have one life to live (unless you believe in rebirth or an afterlife) and one of our actions can cause another, so on and so forth, a chain reaction to occur.

So just to clarify, caution is good but so is risk. The good kind. Despite the consequences. I’m afraid to fail, I’m afraid to get hurt, I’m so afraid that I will regret my decisions. This is in a similar vein to my post on listening, however instead of saying what I need to say, doing what I need to do.

Big breath. Cue the drumroll. Here’s a confession, y’all. There is someone I’m interested in, and there was a perfect moment that I missed, that I should have seized. It’s a she, by the way. Yes, I’m bisexual, ask me about it later. Onto the rest of the story. There’s a fine balance between friends and lovers and well I’ll admit that I might be interested in love. I tried to shrug off my feelings the first time we had a conversation but they only grew stronger as this friend and I got to know each other better. Before I do anything that involves feelings, though, there are some things I have to know. (I don’t know whether anything will come out of this post (haha pun), depending on the answers to questions I have (Dare I say I’m a hopeless romantic?) but here’s a simple outline of steps I and you, dear reader, can take.

As a queer lady who has fallen for straight ladies too many times, I have had my share of misfortune so here’s a quick (but by no means easy) guide!

Step 1: Find out if she’s also into ladies or not. So there’s this challenge. The other ones come later, but I’ll list them anyway in case I have any luck (don’t count on it just yet).

Step 2: Find out if she’s into you, because unrequited love hurts.

Step 3: It’s all on you, baby. Aka make a move.

I hate how I just outlined my prerogatives in steps, as if this is some wacky step-by-step guide to dating girls, but those are the important things one should know before getting into a relationship. Step 1 doesn’t have to be so black and white if the person happens to return my feelings but perhaps I am the first girl she’s interested in. I don’t mind being the first girl she potentially likes, since she might be questioning and I respect that. She might prefer not to put a label on her sexuality at all. I’m cool with anything as long as there is mutual respect.

Oh, and  this is just my personal opinion. This blog is kind of like my virtual journal. Obviously I don’t intend to speak for all bisexuals out there.  Y’all are awesome by the way. Haters gonna hate.

Well, cliffhanger. I’ll update once anything happens, however, moral of the story: Sometimes fear is good but the consequences of taking risks aren’t always bad. Now get out there and do what you need to do. I kind of need to sleep, so that’s what I’ll do now. Goodnight.


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